Coming Full Circle

I feel like it has been forever since I last wrote, which in a way, it has been.  This is an unusually long post, so please bare with me.  A lot has happened and changed and I feel, not only am I transforming once again, but so is GoDDess GrOOve.  I have been teaching for a long time now, over eight years and I have seen a lot change in those eight years.

I started teaching "back in the day" when it was unheard of to teach an exotic dance class.  I was reluctant to tell my parents what I was about to embark on.  They are from a different generation.  I grew up as an only child with a Catholic upbringing; going to Catholic school and Catholic Church on Sundays (which I have since renounced).  You could only imagine their horror when their only daughter decided to become an Exotic Dancer or Stripper at the age of 23 (although it wasn't my idea originally, but that's another story).  It was pretty rough throughout the time I was dancing.  Once I quit, they were relieved and things went back to normal for a while.  I tried to fit into the "real" world by getting a "normal" job but that just didn't work for me.


My parents knew something was up.  When I told them I was going to be teaching, they said things like:  "Why would they (the women) want to do that?  Do they want to become a stripper?"  I said "No, they take my class because they want to feel sexier and get in touch with their bodies.  And they want to have fun."  It still didn't make sense to them, but often things don't make sense to someone if they just aren't able to understand them.  But off I went on my way regardless.  Once I make up my mind, that's it.

It didn't make sense to a lot of people at the beginning and so I had a number of hurdles to climb over, especially being the first person to teach in Calgary.  Not only that, I put a number of hurdles in my own way that I needed to climb.  I still had my own judgments to overcome even though I worked through a number of them up to that point.  It was still scary putting myself out there and sharing who I was and where I came from.  Being seen in a different way was unknown territory and I was still discovering who this new person wanted to be.

I taught my student back in the late 90s in British Columbia.  Her name was Nikki.  Nikki was introduced to me through my friend Julia.  Julia was one of the very few people at that time that I told about my experience of being a dancer.  She was open minded and so I felt fairly safe telling her.  One day she mentioned that Nikki wanted to surprise her husband for his birthday and would I teach her some moves.  I said "Sure".  I was so green.  I mean, I had never taught anyone how to dance or move their body.  I had only taught myself up to that point.  I was to start another journey of "winging it", just like I did when I started my dance career.

After I taught Nikki, Julia planted the seed in me.  She said, "You know, I think you should teach. I think other women would want to learn how to do this."  And so it began.  But that seed laid dormant for a number of years.  I had too many issues about being a dancer to start teaching.  I was too afraid of judgments from people and rightfully so, as I had been judged from personal experience.  Sometimes judgments would be spoken out loud and sometimes I just didn't hear from people again.  And so, the idea sat for a number of years waiting to bloom.  I mean, how could I teach?  People would ask me questions like:  "So how did you get into teaching this by the way?", and so on.  I decided to not speak about it at all until I felt ready.

I started my career as a Professional Exotic Dancer in 1987 and I danced for eight years.  I had never taken a dance class in my life.  The most dancing I ever did was in the bar when I was a teenager and in my 20s, but I did enjoy it.  When I got "thrown" into this world by accident (or divine intervention, depends on how you look at it), I was literally "winging it" as I went along. Well, I did have a couple lessons on a Monday and Tuesday.  The dance agent said:  "Here's six moves and practice in front of the mirror.  And oh, by the way, there's an amateur contest on Wednesday.  I think you should go in it."   


After the contest, I chose to take a gig in Hardisty, Alberta and by Friday I was working.  Thanks to my fiance at the time who wanted me to take the "lessons" for him which backfired as I ended our relationship shortly thereafter.  It took a good year or two for me to feel like I knew what I was doing on stage.  Even though I didn't start out as a very good dancer, they still paid me.  It was "on the job paid training" thankfully .  Hence, my life as a dancer began and the more I practiced, the better I got.

My career teaching began the same way, throwing myself into it.  Back then there weren't any DVDs I could use as a reference to help me along.  I had to make it all up.  I was full of doubt. Did I know what I was doing?  What if people question me to see if I know what I'm doing?  Are they going to be able to tell?  But I went ahead anyhow praying for the best.  Just like I had in the past, the more I practiced, the more comfortable I felt.  All I needed was time, experience and practice.

In spring of 2008 I received an email from the City of Calgary.  In the email, she said "We have two full Stripacize classes for the spring session with no Instructor.  We heard about you and wonder if you are interested in teaching with us."  It fell out of the sky, out of nowhere.  I was like "Where did that come from?"  So I figured it was a sign from the Universe and we set up an interview.  It went great and I was hired on the spot.  It flowed so easy I figured it was meant to be and my career with the City began.  I figured it would be another avenue for me and my work to get out there.  I feel honoured to be able to teach with the City.

"Back in the old days" when I was busy hiding my life as a dancer, it was challenging lying about my past.  Things like, what would I write on my resume for the eight year span of time I was dancing.  I mean, what was I going to write?  Five years as an Administration Assistant and oh yeah, eight years as a Professional Exotic Dancer?  I think not.  So I put down "Homemaker" instead. 

I felt like I finally came full circle when I wrote up my resume and cover letter for the City.  I basically laid it all out.  My life in the business and how long I was teaching.  If the City was okay advertising Stripacize classes well, then, I'm okay with too.  I was proud to write it all down and realized I have a wealth of knowledge to share.  Not only that, but I had taken a number of personal growth courses over the years which also looked great on my resume but also gave my teaching style a unique flair and style.  And so, another layer of the onion of my life was peeled away.

Learning to accept myself and my past didn't happen overnight though.  For the last ten years, I had taken a number of courses and done a lot of healing work to get where I am and it's a continual process.  My journey started with a fellow by the name of Martin Schwartz of Counter Stress Services.  I physically moved a lot of energy with him and I believe it allowed me to open up to other opportunities.


My next step was Personal Best Seminars.  I found out about Personal Best while I was working at a job that had started to turn into a stressful and unhealthy work environment.  Two people by the names of Colin and Lynn were hired to turn the work environment around.  I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until a few months in.  I was too focused on all the money I was making, which came with a price later on I realized.  After a while, things were being revealed and I grew to hate it there, along with the other employees.

After the employees shared their feelings, these people realized it would take a longer process to "fix" everything that was wrong (mainly it was the owner we all had issues with).  I had probed Lynn about 'how did she get started in this line of work' and she mentioned "Personal Best".  Within a month, the owner fired them and then shortly after me on Oct 31, 2000.  I was one of the many casualties in their revolving door within a ten month period.  I called Lynn up and told her I got fired.  She said "Oh good, now you can do Personal Best."  I said "Yeah, I guess I can!"   And off I went to sit down with someone to talk about it.

At that point I was fed up.  I was exhausted and felt burdened physically, mentally and emotionally.  That burden also manifested in the physical form of 40 extra pounds.  It didn't take anyone to convince me at that point that I needed to do something.  I was ripe for change.  I was still hiding my past up to that point.  When I did Personal Best, I thought "Okay, this is a chance for me to share my "dreaded" past (or so I thought)."  I would say things like "I used to be a dancer" just hoping, and dreading at the same time that a participant would ask me about it and eventually they did. 

People didn't react like I thought they would.  They were more curious and excited.  I realized I was judging the people I thought were judging me ironically, and then judging myself.  It was such a relief to let that go and I felt the weight of the world lifted from me.  It changed everything. I felt that teaching could not only change things for women, but for me too.  And so the seed that lay dormant for so long was finally allowed to start blooming.

I still had challenges to overcome though.  As I mentioned, being the only one teaching at the beginning was difficult at times.  Continuing to work through self-doubt in what I was doing and my abilities was a regular pastime.  I have seen many changes in the industry over the last eight years: from people not hearing about exotic dance classes to it becoming mainstream where classes are being held in fitness facilities all over.  You can purchase many DVDs now.  It's been on Oprah.  "Stripping" and "strippers" are in movies more and more:  Dancing at the Blue Iguana, Powder Blue and The Wrestler to name a few. 

I'm happy to see it's become mainstream and more accepted.  It's not quite there yet but it's getting there.  There's been a perception of dancers and the industry for a long time.  It doesn't mean some of it isn't true.  But it doesn't mean all of it is either.  I remember finishing a show once and one of the guys in the audience came up to me and said "Wow, you seem so 'normal'."  I said, "Well, why wouldn't I be?"  All of us aren't alcoholics, drug addicts and partiers who spend time with no one but bikers.  Funny what people's perceptions can be.

There is some danger when anything becomes too mainstream as I find that sometimes integrity can go by the wayside.  In some places, you can now take a three hour workshop and become certified as a Stripacize or Strippercize Instructor.  I have heard of  Pole Dance Instructors who have taken three hours of pole dancing and think they can now instruct. Yikes! Pole dancing is extremely difficult considering the safety factors involved.  I wouldn't be so bold to think I could teach anything after three hours, but hey, that's just me.  Consider your Instructor's background before taking a class.  Every Instructor will have their own way and style of doing things but their way and style might not be suited to every student.  In the end, background is important but also your own personal preference to what works for you.

There's been other challenges in regards to getting people to understand why I charge what I do and getting them to see value in it.  Now that's it's so mainstream, it's become increasingly difficult at times to get paid what I feel I'm worth with all the competition in Calgary.  I'm not great at selling myself.  It's a skill I'm still learning.  I just want people to "get me" and the work.  Once women have experienced my workshops they have a better understanding of what I do.  Trying to explain the process though is not always easy.  It's a magical process that can leave women transformed which they don't always realize right away.


It's tough competing in a world with so many others trying to do similar things.  How does a person stand out?  "They" say capitalism is a great thing; I disagree.  I think people tend to step out of their integrity to make a quick buck sometimes at the expense of others.  We are seeing more and more of this around us with the fall of corporations and government.  I'm tired of competing.  I believe we need to create a world in which everyone is honoured and appreciated for their individual gifts and get paid fairly for it.  I guess I'm an idealist.  I just don't fit into this corporate, competitive culture.  Things need to change into a healthier model.

Ironically, working with the City, I'm now, in some ways, competing with myself.  The class is way underpriced so I feel undervalued in a way.  There are always positives and negatives with anything though.  It's great for clients as far as pricing goes and it does allow clients who maybe don't have a lot of extra cash to experience my class.  So, for the money they pay, they get tremendous value and an introduction to me.  For me, the City does all the registration and marketing, so that's great.  I guess it comes down to offering other services and experiences to those women that the City doesn't offer.

This year, I have realized that it's difficult for many artists and teachers to get paid their worth. People don't teach or instruct because they make a lot of money doing it.  They do it because they love it.  Trying to put a price on my value and my worth is still a challenging place; and then convincing and competing is just another hurdle to climb.  It has taken some of the joy out of it for me; trying to create a business.  I'm not into convincing people.  I realize not everyone is going to "get me" and that's okay; but for those that do, they willingly support me.  I just want to do what I love and be supported by that.  I have come to realize that making a living teaching dance is unrealistic.  It's a hobby in a way, which is fine.  Coming to that realization hasn't been easy.  And so, I will continue to teach when called to do so but I am no longer pushing myself to make it work.
 

I have worked with hundreds of women over the last eight years.  It has been a privilege and an honour.  As much as I have touched their lives, their lives have touched mine too.  I have been blessed over the years by the hundreds of testimonials and cards I have received.  Once, I even received a box of chocolates from a husband of one student whose card just said "Thank you." The testimonials speak for themselves.  From time to time I look at those testimonials when I go through periods of self-doubt and get re-energized by them.  Thank you to all the women who have supported me and continue to support me.  It means a lot.

At this point, I will continue to teach from time to time.  I feel it's time to move into another direction.  Writing has been something I have done off and on for a while now but haven't been able to completely focus on.  I love writing and sharing thoughts.  There can be power in words. I feel like it's time to move into a more full time path with it.  Writing this blog has been able to fulfill part of this need for me.  My wish is for this blog to inspire you, educate you, inform you and perhaps even surprise and "shock" you from time to time.  Maybe you will even laugh out loud.  I look forward to a journey of sharing thoughts, ideas, information and inspiration with you.

All the best.  Namaste, The Goddess of Groove, Martina