What's next? Hell if I know!

As I am currently in transition, I find it a challenging journey.  It is almost a daily challenge for me to trust that everything is going to work out the way it is meant to.  Everything I do, I hope, is leading me somewhere but I find it hard to trust the process.  Why?  Haven't figured that out yet.  My need for control and to have things figured out is still strong apparently.

Since I joined Toastmasters in November of last year, I have done three speeches.  Then nothing came to me as to what to do next for a speech.  I felt uninspired.  No ideas were coming.  I thought "What is going on?"

I found it difficult to want to go to meetings.  The dreaded "What If" was popping its ugly head around the corner.  "What if nothing comes to me to want to speak about?"  Silly, I know, but that is what I was feeling and thinking. 

Yesterday I almost didn't go again because it was nice out.  "Maybe it would be better to go for a ride on my bike?" I thought.  But I went to the meeting anyway.  Thank goodness.

I chose the role of Outvocationist.  At the end of the meeting, this role is designed to leave the group with an inspiring message for the week.  

I thought, "What am I going to share with these people that I care about?"  And then it came to me.  A YouTube video I saw last week on the topic of connection and vulnerability by Brene Brown.  Thanks to my friend Roxanne for sharing this video with me.

As I shared my thoughts and a story with everyone, people were inspired and then I was inspired with an idea for my next speech. Worry does not help this process I am learning.  Trust, trust and trust some more.  When the timing is right, the idea will fall in.  Easier said than done though.  I had "forgotten" that lesson and was reminded again.

Why not shift the dreaded thought of "What if I don't?" to "What if I do?".  Am I more afraid of that?  I wonder.

Below are my thoughts as I go through this journey on what is next for me and the questions I ask myself.

What do I want to be known for?

How do I want to be seen?

These are questions I continue to ask myself as my journey continues.

Particularly now as I am fumbling through the unknown as to what is next for me.

It is not an easy place for me to be as I have no answers.  No resounding "YES!", at this point.  "YES, that's it!"  No, not yet.

As I strive for meaning and purpose, the further it gets away from me it seems.  Yes, it seems.

Stop striving.  Let it go.  Surrender.  Enjoy the journey.

Easier said than done.

I feel I am in the dark but still fumbling through the forest regardless, praying that the answers will come to my quest.

Please show me a sign.  Please show me I'm on track to where I'm supposed to go.  What is the next step?

My fear is:  I do all this work and I still won't know the answers.

Where do I belong?  My longing to belong and have a place in this world.

The struggle between wanting to be seen and wanting to be vulnerable fights with my ego and my pride of asking for what I need and want.

When will I let go of this armour that surrounds my heart and just let go?

I long for it and yet it terrifies me.  For there I will be, completely naked in the world.

And I will need to start over.

Who will I be then?

I don't know.

Starting from scratch in a way I'm afraid, but yet curious and excited.

Figuring out who I truly want to become as the person I am meant to be.

What is it I am meant to do that will give my life meaning?

How will I impact the world around me?

How will I serve?  And who?

Trust and trust some more.  That's all I can do as I go from day to day, taking it day by day.

Easier said than done, it's true.

Listen to the "little" YES in the meantime and trust the next step will unfold before me.

Keep opening my heart.

Keep following my heart and watch the signs the best I can and trust the answers will come.

Trust the process the best I can.

That's all I can do for now.

And yes, after the end of my Toastmasters meeting, I went for a ride on my bike.